I am one of the happiest most positive people there is. I’m the one that everyone goes to for advice. I’m honest to a fault, ambitious, and from the outside it looks like I’ve got it all together, got it all figured out, all the time.
But I’ll let you in on a little secret – I don’t.
Sometimes I crash. And when I crash, I crash hard.
And unfortunately the reality of that is that I have a lot of people in my life that don’t get that. They don’t get that the perpetually positive always-together person is just…sometimes not.
We were talking at happy hour the other night about how it really shows something about your relationship when you are sick how the person still loves you even when you are a gross mess. This was in the context of romantic/husband/boyfriend relationships. But I think I’d say the same for ALL relationships. It says something when people are able to hold you up through the turmoil.
Through the changes at work, the difficult people, the husband being 3000 miles away for 9 weeks. It’s those people that hold you up that really matter.
Needless to say, life has thrown a lot of curve balls over the last few months that have left me exhausted.
I am sometimes in complete awe at people’s sickly ability to be so non-productive, non-contributing, non-caring, non-responsible, non-anything. Their abilities to have not a care in the world while those of us pushers and drivers around them run the hamster wheel of life and work barely taking a moment to step off and take a breath.
Not that the hamster wheel isn’t at least partly our own doing. Our own type-A need to be going all the time. To be contributing, accomplishing, DOING.
But even if our hamster wheel is our own, that doesn’t make watching the non-hamsters any less stressful.
I’ll tell you what absent husband + intense work stress + overworking it in the gym equals…burnout. Total mental and physical burnout. The kind of burnout where you nearly pass out teaching zumba and scare your friends to death. The kind of burnout where migraines become your reality and where your body starts to reject nearly everything you do. Oh yeah and the kind of burnout where you almost have a panic attack in Target. That kind.
It hasn’t been a pretty thing, and it’s certainly not a happy thing. Clearly not matching the intention of this blog… But you know what is happy about it?
It’s a wake-up call that there’s gotta be some changes ‘round here.
And not big life-altering I’m going to go be a yogi in India changes either. But baby step changes that help deal with the insanity in better ways.
I can’t be everything to everyone all the time. I can’t even be everything in my impossible realm of standards for myself, all the time.
Sometimes I need to skip the gym and watch a marathon of Gilmore Girls. Sometimes I need to say no. Sometimes I need to meditate. Sometimes I need to find me time in a way that re-centers me to the positive. Sometimes I need to ‘do me’ and let the rest go. I’m still learning how to do that.
It hasn’t been ALL bad and a lot of it is a temporary state of being. Chris will come back from this training with a better job and a better future for us. My work politics will resolve. Lately, I took these lovely pictures and my friend’s family’s farmhouse, I’m planning bridal showers, I saw some good movies. See: Magic Mike, The Debt and Rock of Ages. And July is sure to be more jam-packed with fun stuff than even the last two months were.
Anyway, that’s where I’ve been the last few months, flying high on energy drinks, hitting the breaking point, breaking down, but coming out on the other side with a newfound sense of doing things for me.
What did you do for yourself today?